Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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