Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
