i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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