Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
