I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize