why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
