'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
