I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
