Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
