It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
