Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
