Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Barsexuality is the new black.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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