I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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