Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize
