Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
