I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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