So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize