she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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