She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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