Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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