You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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