I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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