I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
