no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
