i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize