my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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