wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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