Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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