my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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