handjob tips. give me some.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
