your parents love me but you hate me
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
