OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
