Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
