absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
