They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
