my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
