Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
