saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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