This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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