I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
