You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
