dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
