I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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