Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
