worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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