I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
