i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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