Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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