i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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