he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
