I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize