he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize