Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
