I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
